I like to believe that I’m self-aware, I know my flaws, I know when I’ve crossed lines, I know when I’m not quite living up to my own promises and expectations.  As humans, most of us trip on the journey and if we’re lucky we recover before we hit the ground or even after but with only a few bruises and scrapes to our soul.  So, I consider the fact that I rarely “hit the ground” any more to be “proof” of my self-awareness.

I’m sure you are now thinking to yourself, “You sound sanctimonious not self-aware.”
I agree.  I do.

When I sat down to write this post, I thought I understood what I was going to say, the points I wanted to make, the thrill I would get from sharing with you, my dear reader, all that God has given to me in the grace of self-awareness.

Not so much.

My original intent today was to discuss how even self-aware types can sometimes miss the call from God and I expect I’ll still end up there by the end of this post.  However, a secondary theme is forming which is the thing that leads us to miss God’s call.  Arrogant, Sanctimonious, Self-Righteous…these behaviors keep us from hearing God’s voice.  Mainly because we think we already know what God is calling us to do so we stop listening.  Basically, we send God to voicemail.

As you may recall, I wrote in my relaunch post for the site that I had been attempting to avoid God’s call.  I thought at the time I was done running from Him.  I realize now that while I’m not running anymore, I certainly don’t pick up every time He calls.

Why do I just now realize this?  My journey is often clouded by little distractions, much as when a pull in a sweater  you’re wearing catches your eye.  You can’t help yourself, you pick at it, rub it, poke at it, maybe even tug on it to see if you can just pull the thread out without ruining the entire thing.  Life sometimes gets that way for me.  I end up with hours of time lost on picking at the pulls instead of focusing on listening for God and answering when He calls.  Of course that doesn’t really answer the question of how I now realize I’ve been sending God to voicemail.  That story starts in the next paragraph.

My brother-in-law, Chris, is an amazing man.  Calm, rational, thoughtful, prayerful, giving and frankly, someone who could write a book on how to deal with his in-laws, including me.  As usual when we finally have a chance to sit down as a family and catch up I mention some conversation with a colleague that I found amusing.  I was at an event and one of my colleagues during an exchange said she felt that she would be seeing me on TV one day very soon.  I laughed nervously and said “only if I’m arrested.”  (True Fact: I am not always witty)  In the exchange with Chris I mentioned that I don’t consider myself an extraordinary person and added in that I am of a certain age.  We chatted a little more, he mentioned Mother Teresa and we talked about how I felt I was answering God’s call but perhaps had let a few calls go unanswered and needed to get back to my purpose.  Then I realized – I still don’t know the answer to what that purpose is.  I’m still just a few steps in and I haven’t been asking for that next step to be illuminated.

That leads me to this moment, this post and some very odd musings.

I’m apparently not self-aware or God-aware.

Did those unanswered calls include the revelation of God’s vision of my true purpose?

Was my spiritual answering machine at least plugged in so I can listen to God’s voicemails?  Did He leave any?

Is there some way He could text me instead?  I’m really good at answering my texts, not so good at answering calls.

Maybe He tweets and I just need to find His twitter handle?

Maybe I shouldn’t have deleted my FB account.  He might have been sending me messages there.

Why can’t I ever actually quiet my mind, even in prayer (or blog post writing)?

Is He calling me to play powerball yet?

Does this line of thinking indicate I’ve gone off the deep end?

Ok, so perhaps God is unlikely to respond to these particular questions but He always answers the important ones and I’ve learned not to take for granted that I will always hear His call.  First, I need to learn to listen for His call no matter what else is going on in my life.

To that end,  I am going to pray The Litany of Humility and then head to confession.

O Jesus meek and humble of heart, hear me
From the desire of being esteemed………Deliver Me Jesus
From the desire of being loved………….Deliver me Jesus
From the desire of being extolled ……….Deliver me Jesus
From the desire of being honored…………..Deliver me Jesus
From the desire of being praised……… Deliver me Jesus.
From the desire of being preferred………Deliver me Jesus
From the desire of being consulted………..Deliver me Jesus
From the desire of being approved………….Deliver me Jesus
From the fear of being humiliated………Deliver me Jesus
From the fear of being despised…………Deliver me Jesus
From the fear of suffering rebukes…………..Deliver me Jesus
From the fear of being calumniated………..Deliver me Jesus
From the fear of being forgotten……………. Deliver me Jesus
From the fear of being ridiculed…………..Deliver me Jesus
From the fear of being wronged…………Deliver me Jesus
From the fear of being suspected………..Deliver me Jesus
That others may be loved more than I……….Jesus, grant me the grace to desire it
That others may be esteemed more than I …………….Jesus, grant me the grace to desire it
That in the opinion of the world others may increase and I may decrease…………..Jesus, grant me the grace to desire it
That others may be chosen and I set aside…………Jesus, grant me the grace to desire it
That others may be praised and I unnoticed…………Jesus, grant me the grace to desire it
That others may become holier than I, provided that I may became as holy as I should…………………..Jesus, grant me the grace to desire it. Amen and Amen

Yours in Christ’s Love,

Mrs. Summitt