I have a confession to make. Seriously, I need to go to confession. First, I need to check the confession schedule for a church I don’t attend regularly. It’s always easier to tell your sins to a priest you don’t really know and who isn’t going to see you on Sunday. Am I right? The funny thing is, the One really forgiving me knows who I am no matter where I go to confess 😉

However, I am going to talk publicly about this grave sin here before I confess officially. Consider it my willingness to own that I knew I was sinning, committed it willfully and only recently realized the depths of what that sin means to my soul and to my journey to live a saintly life.

I am a contracepting Catholic. I have had my reasons since marrying for wanting to ensure no pregnancy while still enjoying intimacy with my husband. Some are health related, others purely selfish. It isn’t that I don’t agree with the church’s teaching, I do. I’ve read the substantive parts of Humnae Vitae and Theology of the Body. I understand the tenants and acknowledge their validity.

Why then would I knowingly sin? The easy answer is I am human. The more difficult truth is I was not willing to surrender to God’s will for my life in fear that it did not match my own. The height of arrogance! I also didn’t believe enough in the love between my husband ( a non-Catholic) and myself to trust in how he would react to my fears about my health, pregnancy, and fears of becoming a parent with a 20 year old (another story) as well as an infant.

All that recently changed thanks to an uncomfortable sermon. Father challenged us all to look inside as to our worthiness to receive communion. He reminded us that receiving while knowingly having committed a grievous sin that we’ve yet to confess diminishes the receipt of our Savior in communion and is in itself a grave sin. Whew! After that sermon I was surprised anyone but the children went up for communion!

Those words forced me to face what I had earlier been unwilling to, that I was sinning at a magnitude unbecoming of my faith.

What did I do about it? I set an appointment with my doctor to talk about my health and a possible pregnancy. We meet again soon with specialists to talk about a strategy to prepare my body for potential pregnancy. My husband and I talked about what we will do if the doctors come back and say that a pregnancy is unadvisable given my current state of health. We also talked about my fears and my husband, while hurt, forgave me for my lapse in faith. We also broke out the booklet from our NFP training and are reacquainting ourselves with the process. We even discussed abstinence while we wait on all the other pieces to sort out. I am truly blessed to have married to such an amazing man!

The relief in having these discussions has morphed into a resolve that I speak openly about this struggle. I have recently watched “catholic” women exhort contraception and abortion as societal “norms” and necessities against the consequences of live and let live promiscuity. What these women fail to acknowledge is that love and life are precious gifts, ones meant to be fulfilled under the promises of God and not under the admonitions of men. We cannot blithely choose to ignore what God has allowed us, through science, to understand. Life is a gift. To us. To our children.

As for me, I seek out God’s forgiveness for my human failings. I put my trust in Him to move my life forward under His plan for me rather than my own flawed plan.

If you see me at confession….ssshhh….I still hope Father doesn’t recognize me 😉

Yours in Christ.
Mrs. Summitt